Parents need to talk to their tweens sooner about puberty

By Riane Lumer, CNN

(CNN) — For many parents, the idea of having “the talk” with their kids may be daunting, making them feel embarrassed or squeamish. But many parents are conflating the classic growing-up talk about sex with another crucial conversation they should be having, new research suggests.

The talk in question should happen earlier than one may think, and it’s not necessarily about sex. It’s about puberty.

About 41% of parents reported they approached talking with their child about puberty only when prompted by the child, according to a new C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health released on Monday.

Only 36% of parents think it’s best to start puberty conversations before age 10, according to the poll, although puberty has been starting earlier.

The poll’s researchers focused on why many preteens and tweens are unprepared for the changes that they experience during puberty.

“Our thinking was, how much of that (lack of preparation) might be due to how their parents are approaching the task of talking with them, helping prepare them for puberty,” said Sarah Clark, codirector of the poll and a research scientist in the department of pediatrics at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

“When we’re talking about these younger kids, 7, 8, 9, maybe even 10, as they’re just getting started with puberty, they don’t necessarily need the sex talk,” said Clark, noting that tweens and teens need a conversation about what is or will soon happen with their body and emotions.

“We all tend to be a little calmer, a little less anxious, and deal with things better when we know what to expect,” she added.

The Mott Poll, which was conducted in February 2025, surveyed 911 parents with at least one child ages 7–12 to understand how parents approach conversations about puberty. The margin of error is plus or minus 2 to 5 percentage points.

Bring it up before your child does

While many parents said they only talked with their child about puberty only when their child brought it up, Clark explained that this could lead to confusion and anxiety in children, especially if they feel their parents haven’t prepared them.

Kids who develop early may become anxious not understanding changes in themselves, and late-developing kids may see some changes in their classmates and wonder, “what’s wrong with me?”

Instead of parents waiting until asked by the child, Clark suggested giving your child information in bits and pieces over time “to help your kid get the concept that these changes are going to happen. They are normal.”

And while nearly half of parents said they felt “very confident” in recognizing signs of puberty in their children, Clark said, “parents might be a little overconfident. Some of those first changes are subtle” — like hair growing and voices changing — and parents can’t actually see the hormonal or emotional changes.

Will you or the media educate your kids?

Today’s children are exposed to a flood of information — and misinformation — from online sources and their peers.

Without parental guidance, children may turn to social media or their peers for answers at a time when kids may be confused and potentially self-conscious. “Not talking to them just can leave them in a little bit of a vulnerable position,” Clark said.

“A lot of the norms on what was shown or talked about on TV were really different (when parents were kids) than they are today,” Clark said. “Back then, parents could maybe feel like they could protect their kid or avoid certain topics — or avoid their kid from encountering certain topics.” That’s no longer the case.

Because kids can learn or hear about all sorts of topics at very young ages, parents have to be “a little more proactive,” to get ahead of the child absorbing confusing, inaccurate or harmful information, Clark said.

The trickle-down effect of silence

The poll found that only 31% of parents said they had received an adequate puberty education from their own parents growing up. That means many parents, without a model of how to discuss sensitive developmental changes, often default to the avoidance method they received as children.

But today’s parents don’t actually need to have all the answers, Clark and other experts say. Parents just need to start having the conversation.

Start talking sooner and more often

About 44% of parents reported in the poll that they have not gotten any information on how to talk about puberty, but that doesn’t mean parents can’t find straightforward help.

Parents should choose a quiet, one-on-one setting — a walk, a car ride or after a younger sibling goes to bed — and leave discomfort out of it, psychiatrist Dr. Neha Chaudhary suggested.

“Present the information in a matter-of-fact way,” advised Chaudhary, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and chief medical officer at Modern Health, via email. “It’s important that the child knows they are not alone in this experience — that it’s a universal change. Offer the space for them to ask questions … and check in later.”

Don’t wait until your child hits a growth spurt or need to use deodorant. Begin the conversation in elementary school, with basic, age-appropriate information.

You can use light-hearted, teachable moments, like a movie scene or a health class unit as openings, or you can share your own experiences. “Make it kind of funny and not so intense, not so scary,” Clark suggested.

“If you talk about puberty early, your child will know that the physical changes they are about to go through are normal, and something that happens to everyone,” Chaudhary said. “They might also have a chance to develop some healthy coping skills that they can practice and strengthen before their emotions start to fluctuate as a result of hormonal shifts.

“If you’re waiting until middle school, it’s likely too late. By then your child might either be caught off guard by unexpected changes in their body or how they feel, or they might be noticing those changes in their friends already.”

Open the door to talking

Healthy, inviting communication needs to be ongoing, both Clark and Chaudhary emphasized. Kids should not be left guessing about the changes happening to them, but rather feel they have parental guidance supporting them along the way.

“You want to leave the door open so kids know they can come to you,” she said. Even if you don’t know the answer, you can learn together and foster a healthy environment.

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