Common roadblocks that men face in their male friendships and a road map for getting past them

By Terry Ward, CNN

(CNN) — The importance of female friendships is often in the spotlight.

But when it comes to the ties that bind men, research has shown that less than half of men report being satisfied with their friendships.

A decline in male friendships often starts around middle to late adolescence and deepens into adulthood.

Kim Evensen, the Norwegian-born founder of Brothers — a nonprofit organization created to help empower men’s friendships — had an epiphany about what was missing from his own friendships with other men when he was 25.

“I saw these rules that we as men often feel we have to follow,” said Evensen, who is based in Oslo, the Norwegian capital. “Like ‘boys don’t cry,’ we don’t express vulnerability toward each other, we don’t get too close to each other.”

Evensen found himself tired of the meaningless hangouts with other men he realized had dominated his friendships, such as grabbing a beer together or being a workout buddy.

“It has to be something more, because if I settled for what popular culture sets as the standard for male friendships, then I, as a man, won’t have a lot of meaningful friendships,” he said.

Evensen turned to experts on male friendships, including Dr. Niobe Way, a researcher and a professor of applied psychology at New York University, to seek guidance on how to strengthen and understand his own bonds with his male friends — and how to help other men, too.

In 2017, he founded Brothers, turning what had started out as an Instagram account into a full-time career.

Evensen has written two books on the topic of male friendships — “Brothers: Every Man Needs Strong, Authentic Friendships” and “The Real Bro Code: The Essential Guide for Dudes on How to Be a Bro ” — and he’s traveled to Australia, the United States, Kenya and beyond to speak about men’s friendships and masculinity.

At his lectures, Evensen asks men about how they want their friendships to look and about the closest moments they’ve shared with their male friends.

“I really want men to develop closer and deeper friendships — just saying that — I get a lot of funny reactions,” he said.

I talked to him about the roadblocks men face in their friendships with other men — and how to move past them.

This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: You say the first roadblock to deep male friendships stems from a taboo of even discussing them. How can men get past that?

Kim Evensen: You have to push through the awkwardness and acknowledge your friendships. I learned from Dr. Niobe Way that most adolescent boys express a deep affection and love for their close male friends in private interviews. But when their statements are read out loud to larger groups of teenage boys, the boys start laughing and calling it weird or girlish or gay.

Talking about your friendship with another man might mean pushing through some awkwardness. But think of it this way: If you want to get muscles, you’re going to have to work out. And if you want to have good friendships, you have to work for it.

Mention the elephant in the room, say, “Hey, I really appreciate and value you, and I feel like I don’t say it enough. And I want to invest more in our friendship.” That’s a good place to start.

CNN: You talk about how society has dumbed down male friendships. How does that affect those bonds?

Evensen: If men settle for popular culture’s standards of male bonding, they won’t have a lot of meaningful connections. It’s generally assumed that male friendships are supposed to be easygoing and emotionally risk-free. Low-maintenance hangouts, with little or no commitment.

So how do you try to cultivate something deeper? Friendships are like relationships. They’re always about two people. A lot of guys only hang out in groups. If that’s you, try hanging out or grabbing a beer with just one of your friends.

If you always hang out in groups, you never get to really know the people around you and create a friendship just between the two of you. Point to this article, even, so you have something to discuss other than yourself.

Open up yourself. If you do, your friend will see it as a sign of trust. If you are the one to start, maybe he’ll open up to you, too.

CNN: How does a narrow-minded view of masculinity affect male friendships?

Evensen: The psychiatrist and family therapist Dr. Robert Garfield wrote a book called “Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship” that really resonated with me. It’s about how a lot of men are bound by this unwritten rule that they should only express manly emotions.

But emotional intimacy is a human trait that’s necessary to create close friendships. We have this idea that a real man should think about sex all the time and use women as a currency to prove to the boys that he’s a man — and, by all means, avoid expressing any of the so-called opposite qualities like joy, compassion, empathy, love and vulnerability. Especially not in front of other men.

Ask yourself, do you think your friend would value it if you would express empathy or compassion toward them? Some men will say, “We don’t need this, or we’re not like that. Don’t try to turn us into a woman.”

But you have to try to demolish that argument. Friendships built on insecurity, where men constantly have to prove their manhood, are a breeding ground for toxic attitudes and stupid decision-making.

CNN: You say that the sexualization of love has impacted male friendships. How so?

Evensen: So many boys and men avoid closeness or affection in their friendships just to make sure nothing will be misunderstood, that they won’t be called gay. An intimate conversation, a heartfelt encouragement or a hug without a firm pat on the back might create suspicion, so you better play it safe.

The words “love” and “sex” have been used interchangeably. And without being aware of it, we have formed perceptions about love and closeness that aren’t true. It kills closeness in male friendships.

I’ve asked myself why do we say things like “I love you bro, no homo.” I’ve never heard a 3-year-old boy say that to his friend, or girls say that to their girlfriends.

Maybe start a conversation with your friend about why men even say those things? You can tell your friend you want to be able to express that you love each other — or if that’s too strong, say you care about each other.

CNN: When a man gets a girlfriend or partner, you say it can become an excuse to neglect friendships with the boys. What can be done about that?

Evensen: It’s so common that many of us have just accepted it as a way of life — as a legitimate way to neglect our friendships. And it kind of makes sense. After all, why prioritize a bunch of shallow hangouts when you can invest in a relationship with someone you’re allowed to deeply connect with?

We need to be able to value romantic relationships without neglecting friendships and vice versa.

Would you appreciate it if your friend ditched you for a girl? Probably you wouldn’t, so don’t do that to your friend either. Make sure your friend gets to know your girlfriend since she’s going to be part of your life.

Expecting that our romantic partner should cover all our emotional and relationship needs — basically be our everything — might sound romantic in a movie. But in real life, it’s pretty unhealthy.

Florida-based freelance writer Terry Ward lives in Tampa and tries to tell her friends of all genders how important they are to her as often as she can.

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