All Aboard Missouri’s Crazy Train

This article is written for News-Press NOW, The St Joseph Convention and Visitor's Bureau and Missouri’s Highway 36 Heritage Alliance.

From path to trail to railroad and now the "Genius" Highway 36, this famed coast-to-coast route through Northern Missouri has the All-American story, not just about the towns and the nation it connected, but the historic people from the Show-Me state who left their mark. 

Through the magic of the pen, let’s alter time and reality by putting a few of these Missouri characters together on a wild train ride into our state’s history. 

The year is 1860, time for an invitational run of the Hannibal & St. Joseph Railroad … all aboard! 

Our guide on this fantasy trip is Hannibal's own, the "Unsinkable" Molly Brown.

“Greetings all, I see I’m not the only one from Hannibal climbing onboard ... it’s Mark Twain and he's brought a couple youngins' with him, Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.” 

“Hi boys. Welcome aboard," Brown said with excitement. "Mark, how are you?” 

“Molly, my back is killing me, I don’t think I’m gunna enjoy this ride at all.”

“Sorry to hear that Mark," she said. "Tom Sawyer, why are you here?”

“I’d do anything to get away from that dang fence!”

Brown then turned to look at Huck, "How about you?” 

Taking off his old straw hat and scratching his head, “Well ma’am, I heard there's another big river in St. Jo, I want to see it.”

“OK gents," Brown said pointing west. "As Mark Twain says, 'The secret to getting ahead is to get started, let’s head that way!'”

As the train moved out, the first stop was Hudson, just south of Kirksville. 

“Here comes another passenger," Brown said. "Look Mark! It's Kirksville’s own Andrew Still. You know? The guy who started the orthopedic school, he might be able to help your back.” 

“Nah, I don’t believe in that stuff,” Twain scoffed. 

“Welcome aboard Doc! You headin' West?” Molly said as she greeted Still.

The doctor nodded, “You bet, there are a bunch of sore folks in St. Jo I’m told. I adjusted my schedule so I could come along.” 

“Mark, step over here and let Doc Still look at ya,” Brown insisted.

“Oh, OK," Twain said begrudgingly. "Hi Doc, I don’t really ..."

"Just relax my good man,” the Doc interrupted calmly.

(Snap, crackle, pop!) 

“Wow, that felt incredible … I’m a believer!” Twain said with a stunned look. “Molly thank you, you’re not all wet after all!” 

Coming up on the next stop just north of Marceline is Walt Disney, patiently waiting with his little friends Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

“Walt, it's great to see you!” Brown said.

“Thanks Molly, I thought I’d bring these two along so they wouldn’t get in trouble while I was gone. Plus you know I love trains," Disney said. “Goofy ran off after a squirrel just a minute ago!"

"Oh wait, here he comes!”

Running at them full speed was the lovable dog, who jumped into the slow movin' engine.

"That’s OK, it’s where he wanted to ride anyway,” Disney grinned.

“Mickey ... where’s Minnie?" Brown asked. "Doesn't she like trains?”

“No Molly, she had a fondue party to go to.” 

Pulling up to Laclede, a Mexican bandit hoped aboard and ran through the car.

“That’s Pancho Villa! I’ve seen him on wanted posters,” Donald said with a quack.

Pancho stops suddenly, looking at the duck,

“Buen pato!” he said.

Donald swallows hard and hastily flutters off. 

Quickly, in hot pursuit, a soldier rides up and climbs off his horse, it’s Gen. John J. Pershing!

“Where's that bandit, I can never get him!” Pershing exclaimed.

Just like that, Villa runs around the car, steals Pershing's horse and rides off. 

“Well general, you might as well join us, let that bandit go. I think we’ll be needing you in a couple years anyway across the pond, you know, over there!” salutes Molly. 

Mickey squeaks, “I’m hungry, don’t they have any food to nibble on?”

Well wouldn’t you know, the train rolled into Chillicothe, the home of sliced bread ... here comes a wagon full of sandwiches!

As the train steamed by the next town, Hamilton, Missouri, there was a young man with a rolling clothes rack running alongside the train.

“Slow down!” the man yelled before jumping on.

“It’s JC Penney," Molly chimed in. "Hello my good man. You are always selling something!”

“You bet Ms. Brown, anybody need some new duds?”

“Have you got a white suit?” Twain shouted.

“How about an extra small blue vest?” Donald added.

“There you all go," Penney said. "And here's a nice hat for you too Molly. Is anybody cold? I have quilts!” 

“All together that will be $25, please,” Penny said as he put out his hands.

“None of us have any money, we are all figments of the writer’s imagination and he didn’t give us any cash,” Disney quipped.

James Cash Penney thought hard.

"That’s ok, credit for all! I think my parents gave me the wrong middle name!”

Everyone smirked, let’s roll! 

As the train slowly approached the Platte River bridge, the engine stopped, there’s a barricade. Suddenly, men on horseback with bandanas covering their faces jumped on board.

One outlaw brought Goofy back with a six-shooter revolver on him.

“I’m Jesse James, with my brother Frank here and Yosemite Sam, this is a hold up, give us all your cash!”

Mark Twain, with his hands in the air, shrugged, “We just went through this, no one has any cash, we are all part of a made-up story, including you!”

“Wait a minute,” Disney shouted, “Yosemite Sam, you’re Warner Brothers, what are you doing here?”

“Oh sorry sir," Sam clapped back. "Just looking for varmints, must have gotten on the wrong train!” 

“Hey Jesse,” Penney reasoned, “So it's not a total loss, why don’t you join us to St. Jo, I have a nice red vest you can have on credit and look, sandwiches!”

“Well all right, but what’s a sandwich? We are hungry for sure. I hear St Jo is the end of the line, right?” James said as he grabbed a ham and cheese. 

As the train made its way to St. Joseph, Fred Harvey had been enjoying lunch in the mail car, separating letters for hand off to the Pony Express for delivery to California. 

At the depot a large crowd gathered to salute the arrival of this crazy train. Out of their passenger car comes our motley cast of characters, but the real star of the trip is the mail. Our friends would make their way up the street to the Patee House Hotel, where more people are celebrating the first ever Pony Express mail call for California. 

On the front porch of the Patee House, Pony Express Headquarters, with microphone in hand, is none other than Walter Cronkite Jr. ready to commemorate this history-making delivery.

“Welcome ladies, gentlemen and cartoon characters to this epic event marking this train trip across Missouri." 

Here comes Johnny Fry, up from the stables to be the initial rider taking that first leg to California, being one of the many galloping mailmen to deliver the bundle to Sacramento in 10 short, harrowing days.

"I want to also welcome Monsieur's Russell, Majors and Waddell, the owners and backers of the Pony Express, along with our flag waving mayor, M Jeff Thompson, in sending off Johnny on this monumental mission.” 

The crowd roared as Fry threw the mochila full of letters on his trusty steed and headed west to the River. The faithful waved goodbye as Cronkite concluded the festivities.

“And that’s the way it is, in my hometown!”

The mayor proclaimed, “Let’s head to the Pony Bar where the first round of sarsaparilla is on me!” 

So ends the whimsical saga of the mail going coast to coast, using the Hannibal & St. Joseph Railroad. Northern Missouri and the West will never be the same. 

You too can discover inspiration along U.S. Highway 36, the "Genius" highway that produced these and other historic characters who changed Missouri and the world ... take a drive and find your stop! 

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Bob Ford is a syndicated historian and humorist from St Joseph.